When I'm Gone

During the past two years I've often considered how to best minimize the impact of my passing.  There have been letters written, videos recorded, accounts consolidated, and instructions left.  The work isn't complete, more can always be done.  At a certain point I will call it good enough, that point is very near; but I'm not there yet.  This post is another attempt to minimize the impact of my passing.

I've spoken with Emily about what friends and family should and should not do to support her when I'm gone.

The should do list:

1. Offer to spend time with the boys.  This will provide Emily with occasional free time.
2. Offer to help Emily with the yard, shoveling, etc.
3. Help Emily to carry on with life as usual.  Do everything with her that you did when I was around.
4. If you come up with something you'd like to do for Emily or the boys I suggest you run it by Emily before doing it.

The should not do list:

1. Don't offer anything religious, we're not religious and it's nice to simply avoid those awkward moments.  Also, please don't push your beliefs on Emily or the boys; it's insulting.  We've had several unpleasant experiences in the past where people have tactlessly insisted that we must share their views about an afterlife, etc.  There's really no better way to lose Emily's respect.
2. Contact Emily if you'd like to bring a meal, she'll let you know; otherwise don't bring over meals.
3. Don't send flowers.  What's an Emily to do with endless piles of dead flowers?  There won't be a traditional viewing or funeral service, so there is no use for flowers there either.

You all know and love Emily and my boys.  I trust that you'll continue to take the same good care of them that you always have.

Thank you, all of you.  I have a hard time passing up an opportunity to let you know how much I love all of you.

There's a bit of Ryan wisdom I want to share.  It is out of place in this letter but that's alright.  The issue I'd like to address relates back to my October post concerning happiness.  I've watched Emily and others struggle with happiness and when discussing the underlying problem it often becomes apparent that there is faulty catch-22 logic at play.  For those unfamiliar with the term catch-22 you can read about it by following this link.  The truth is I've never seen a real one.  I've only seen situations where people believe that two issues are equal in priority and that these priorities are in conflict. This forms the crux of their unhappiness.  In my experience, the priorities are only of equal importance because the individual with the problem has decided they are.

It's time for an example.  Let's say I want to have a child.  At the same time I realize that I am not in a financial position that would allow me to provide for a child.  At this point I choose to be unhappy: I'm unhappy because I so desperately want a child and at the same time I'm unwilling to be irresponsible and bring a child into an unstable living situation.  The person will of course choose to be happy again once the financial situation is resolved, but this could take years.  Of course it is ridiculous to be unhappy for years but this is what people do.  What I do, and what I suggest others do, is simply change your priorities.  Decide that financial stability is more important than having a child and quit feeling upset about the child.  Happily focus on achieving financial stability and once that is achieved, raise the priority on having a child.  Manipulating your own desires, re-prioritizing them, is within your power.  You don't need to let your priorities conflict.  You can choose to be reasonable and sink your teeth into one issue over the other.  Or, you can choose to be unreasonable and agonize over the fact that you can't fulfill desire A and B simultaneously.

Anyhow, I feel that was the most poorly explained bit of Ryan wisdom yet.  That's okay.  It's out there, it's there as a reminder for specific people.  You can be happy, you can always choose to be happy.  You can also make excuses and choose to be unhappy.  That's your business, spend your life however you want.  The fact is that we're all barely smarter than monkeys.  We are very easy to manipulate, it's easy for us to willfully manipulate ourself.  You can have a happy life or an unhappy life.  You can be bold or brave, you can be weak or passive.  It is your business.  My hope is that everyone I know and love chooses to be happy.

The picture of the day: Erin (sister), Ryan (me), Carol (mother), and Emily (wife) - in order from left to right, Christmas of 2009.  Look at all the love for Ryan!  That just can't happen often enough.