Much love,
Emily
Deseret News:
Daily Herald:
Friday, March 1, 2013
Peace
Ryan passed away on February 26, 2013. Words cannot express anything. Nevertheless, here is a link to his obituary. It is my best effort at a tribute to him. Thank you to everyone for the love and support you've shown us throughout this ordeal.
Much love,
Emily
Deseret News:
Much love,
Emily
Deseret News:
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
When I'm Gone
During the past two years I've often considered how to best minimize the impact of my passing. There have been letters written, videos recorded, accounts consolidated, and instructions left. The work isn't complete, more can always be done. At a certain point I will call it good enough, that point is very near; but I'm not there yet. This post is another attempt to minimize the impact of my passing.
I've spoken with Emily about what friends and family should and should not do to support her when I'm gone.
The should do list:
The should not do list:
You all know and love Emily and my boys. I trust that you'll continue to take the same good care of them that you always have.
Thank you, all of you. I have a hard time passing up an opportunity to let you know how much I love all of you.
There's a bit of Ryan wisdom I want to share. It is out of place in this letter but that's alright. The issue I'd like to address relates back to my October post concerning happiness. I've watched Emily and others struggle with happiness and when discussing the underlying problem it often becomes apparent that there is faulty catch-22 logic at play. For those unfamiliar with the term catch-22 you can read about it by following this link. The truth is I've never seen a real one. I've only seen situations where people believe that two issues are equal in priority and that these priorities are in conflict. This forms the crux of their unhappiness. In my experience, the priorities are only of equal importance because the individual with the problem has decided they are.
It's time for an example. Let's say I want to have a child. At the same time I realize that I am not in a financial position that would allow me to provide for a child. At this point I choose to be unhappy: I'm unhappy because I so desperately want a child and at the same time I'm unwilling to be irresponsible and bring a child into an unstable living situation. The person will of course choose to be happy again once the financial situation is resolved, but this could take years. Of course it is ridiculous to be unhappy for years but this is what people do. What I do, and what I suggest others do, is simply change your priorities. Decide that financial stability is more important than having a child and quit feeling upset about the child. Happily focus on achieving financial stability and once that is achieved, raise the priority on having a child. Manipulating your own desires, re-prioritizing them, is within your power. You don't need to let your priorities conflict. You can choose to be reasonable and sink your teeth into one issue over the other. Or, you can choose to be unreasonable and agonize over the fact that you can't fulfill desire A and B simultaneously.
Anyhow, I feel that was the most poorly explained bit of Ryan wisdom yet. That's okay. It's out there, it's there as a reminder for specific people. You can be happy, you can always choose to be happy. You can also make excuses and choose to be unhappy. That's your business, spend your life however you want. The fact is that we're all barely smarter than monkeys. We are very easy to manipulate, it's easy for us to willfully manipulate ourself. You can have a happy life or an unhappy life. You can be bold or brave, you can be weak or passive. It is your business. My hope is that everyone I know and love chooses to be happy.
The picture of the day: Erin (sister), Ryan (me), Carol (mother), and Emily (wife) - in order from left to right, Christmas of 2009. Look at all the love for Ryan! That just can't happen often enough.
I've spoken with Emily about what friends and family should and should not do to support her when I'm gone.
The should do list:
- Offer to spend time with the boys. This will provide Emily with occasional free time.
- Offer to help Emily with the yard, shoveling, etc.
- Help Emily to carry on with life as usual. Do everything with her that you did when I was around.
- If you come up with something you'd like to do for Emily or the boys I suggest you run it by Emily before doing it.
The should not do list:
- Don't offer anything religious, we're not religious and it's nice to simply avoid those awkward moments. Also, please don't push your beliefs on Emily or the boys; it's insulting. We've had several unpleasant experiences in the past where people have tactlessly insisted that we must share their views about an afterlife, etc. There's really no better way to lose Emily's respect.
- Contact Emily if you'd like to bring a meal, she'll let you know; otherwise don't bring over meals.
- Don't send flowers. What's an Emily to do with endless piles of dead flowers? There won't be a traditional viewing or funeral service, so there is no use for flowers there either.
You all know and love Emily and my boys. I trust that you'll continue to take the same good care of them that you always have.
Thank you, all of you. I have a hard time passing up an opportunity to let you know how much I love all of you.
There's a bit of Ryan wisdom I want to share. It is out of place in this letter but that's alright. The issue I'd like to address relates back to my October post concerning happiness. I've watched Emily and others struggle with happiness and when discussing the underlying problem it often becomes apparent that there is faulty catch-22 logic at play. For those unfamiliar with the term catch-22 you can read about it by following this link. The truth is I've never seen a real one. I've only seen situations where people believe that two issues are equal in priority and that these priorities are in conflict. This forms the crux of their unhappiness. In my experience, the priorities are only of equal importance because the individual with the problem has decided they are.
It's time for an example. Let's say I want to have a child. At the same time I realize that I am not in a financial position that would allow me to provide for a child. At this point I choose to be unhappy: I'm unhappy because I so desperately want a child and at the same time I'm unwilling to be irresponsible and bring a child into an unstable living situation. The person will of course choose to be happy again once the financial situation is resolved, but this could take years. Of course it is ridiculous to be unhappy for years but this is what people do. What I do, and what I suggest others do, is simply change your priorities. Decide that financial stability is more important than having a child and quit feeling upset about the child. Happily focus on achieving financial stability and once that is achieved, raise the priority on having a child. Manipulating your own desires, re-prioritizing them, is within your power. You don't need to let your priorities conflict. You can choose to be reasonable and sink your teeth into one issue over the other. Or, you can choose to be unreasonable and agonize over the fact that you can't fulfill desire A and B simultaneously.
Anyhow, I feel that was the most poorly explained bit of Ryan wisdom yet. That's okay. It's out there, it's there as a reminder for specific people. You can be happy, you can always choose to be happy. You can also make excuses and choose to be unhappy. That's your business, spend your life however you want. The fact is that we're all barely smarter than monkeys. We are very easy to manipulate, it's easy for us to willfully manipulate ourself. You can have a happy life or an unhappy life. You can be bold or brave, you can be weak or passive. It is your business. My hope is that everyone I know and love chooses to be happy.
The picture of the day: Erin (sister), Ryan (me), Carol (mother), and Emily (wife) - in order from left to right, Christmas of 2009. Look at all the love for Ryan! That just can't happen often enough.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The End is Near
Steve Jobs said it well when he said: "No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent; it clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it's quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart, and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."
Bad news kids. The results of my last bone marrow biopsy came back 10 days ago. The last round of chemo did very little good. The physicians don't believe more chemo will help. I've talked with Emily and decided to take Hydrea for now. Hydrea is a relatively weak chemo that will suppress my bone marrow, including my leukemia. If I'm lucky it will buy me a bit of time, perhaps 3 months. If I'm unlucky, I have 3 weeks or less.
Hydrea will require that I spend a good deal of time receiving blood transfusions, without bone marrow you don't produce any blood products for yourself.
For those of you not familiar with my thoughts on the situation I find myself in, feel free to read or re-read the document I posted in July of 2011. You can view it here: link
The tragedy here isn't in my departure, it's the sense of grief and loss that my departure will instill in my wife, sons, and loved ones. When my father died, six years ago, I sat around for a week exploring my feelings. At the end of that week I had learned only one bit of wisdom, a single, short, sentence. It will be alright. That was it. It will be alright. There is no rhyme or reason to the passing of loved ones, it's simply something that will happen if you live long enough. And the only real comfort to be taken is in knowing that it will be okay. This is how the process has always worked. It's okay, everything works out. Life moves on, we adjust. As long as you let it.
One day it's your turn. Death is the most powerful reminder to cherish this strange bit of time we call life. Truly, you should literally remember to stop and smell the roses. Those you know and love won't be there forever, neither will you. When the time comes for you or a loved one to pass, don't find yourself full of regret.
I have no personal regrets. Everyone I love knows that I love them. My friends know who they are. My life has been rich and full of every type of emotion and experience one could hope to have, and plenty one might attempt to avoid. I'm proud of my character, my choices, and who I know myself to be. I have no enemies. I harbor no hatred, generically or specifically. I have friends of many races, both genders, and various sexual orientations. I judge people by their integrity and little else. I'm just the type of person I have always wanted to be. I've lived the life I dreamed of and wanted. I shared it with the people I loved. I grew constantly, challenged myself endlessly, and enjoyed life so much more than I disliked it.
Emily has been the best and largest part of my life. In any scenario I could imagine, and I do like to ponder alternate realities, I would always have wanted to spend as much of my life with her as I could've. Managing to spend my life with Emily is my greatest achievement. We've been sharing this life for 19 years. Our time together contains all of the happiest moments of my life. I can't imagine a life without her. She is much more than my other half, she is my whole and everything. She is my super power. All the rest of it wouldn't have happened without her. I am the man that I wanted to be because of her. She is worth impressing.
I can imagine a better version of me. But I don't like him. We aren't supposed to be perfect, perfect is flawed and boring. The rough edges define our character. I'm carefully molded, rough edges and all. Everyone I know is flawed. I love the flaws, even the annoying flaws. Humor exists only in flaws. Humor is a hook to happiness, happiness is my purpose in life; having it and sharing it. A better version of me wouldn't be happier than this version. All of my favorite people seem to understand this idea, though none have articulated it.
Well, at this point I'm just dropping Ryan wisdom. That's about all you'll be getting out of me from this point on. I'm not even sure I'll ever post again, we shall see. In the meantime, everyone be happy!
The picture of the day: I'm smirking and Emily's eyes are closed but check out that dapper look Max is pulling off. What a handsome little man. 2007 was a fun year.
Bad news kids. The results of my last bone marrow biopsy came back 10 days ago. The last round of chemo did very little good. The physicians don't believe more chemo will help. I've talked with Emily and decided to take Hydrea for now. Hydrea is a relatively weak chemo that will suppress my bone marrow, including my leukemia. If I'm lucky it will buy me a bit of time, perhaps 3 months. If I'm unlucky, I have 3 weeks or less.
Hydrea will require that I spend a good deal of time receiving blood transfusions, without bone marrow you don't produce any blood products for yourself.
For those of you not familiar with my thoughts on the situation I find myself in, feel free to read or re-read the document I posted in July of 2011. You can view it here: link
The tragedy here isn't in my departure, it's the sense of grief and loss that my departure will instill in my wife, sons, and loved ones. When my father died, six years ago, I sat around for a week exploring my feelings. At the end of that week I had learned only one bit of wisdom, a single, short, sentence. It will be alright. That was it. It will be alright. There is no rhyme or reason to the passing of loved ones, it's simply something that will happen if you live long enough. And the only real comfort to be taken is in knowing that it will be okay. This is how the process has always worked. It's okay, everything works out. Life moves on, we adjust. As long as you let it.
One day it's your turn. Death is the most powerful reminder to cherish this strange bit of time we call life. Truly, you should literally remember to stop and smell the roses. Those you know and love won't be there forever, neither will you. When the time comes for you or a loved one to pass, don't find yourself full of regret.
I have no personal regrets. Everyone I love knows that I love them. My friends know who they are. My life has been rich and full of every type of emotion and experience one could hope to have, and plenty one might attempt to avoid. I'm proud of my character, my choices, and who I know myself to be. I have no enemies. I harbor no hatred, generically or specifically. I have friends of many races, both genders, and various sexual orientations. I judge people by their integrity and little else. I'm just the type of person I have always wanted to be. I've lived the life I dreamed of and wanted. I shared it with the people I loved. I grew constantly, challenged myself endlessly, and enjoyed life so much more than I disliked it.
Emily has been the best and largest part of my life. In any scenario I could imagine, and I do like to ponder alternate realities, I would always have wanted to spend as much of my life with her as I could've. Managing to spend my life with Emily is my greatest achievement. We've been sharing this life for 19 years. Our time together contains all of the happiest moments of my life. I can't imagine a life without her. She is much more than my other half, she is my whole and everything. She is my super power. All the rest of it wouldn't have happened without her. I am the man that I wanted to be because of her. She is worth impressing.
I can imagine a better version of me. But I don't like him. We aren't supposed to be perfect, perfect is flawed and boring. The rough edges define our character. I'm carefully molded, rough edges and all. Everyone I know is flawed. I love the flaws, even the annoying flaws. Humor exists only in flaws. Humor is a hook to happiness, happiness is my purpose in life; having it and sharing it. A better version of me wouldn't be happier than this version. All of my favorite people seem to understand this idea, though none have articulated it.
Well, at this point I'm just dropping Ryan wisdom. That's about all you'll be getting out of me from this point on. I'm not even sure I'll ever post again, we shall see. In the meantime, everyone be happy!
The picture of the day: I'm smirking and Emily's eyes are closed but check out that dapper look Max is pulling off. What a handsome little man. 2007 was a fun year.
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