The End is Near

Steve Jobs said it well when he said: "No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent; it clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it's quite true. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart, and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."

Bad news kids. The results of my last bone marrow biopsy came back 10 days ago. The last round of chemo did very little good. The physicians don't believe more chemo will help. I've talked with Emily and decided to take Hydrea for now. Hydrea is a relatively weak chemo that will suppress my bone marrow, including my leukemia. If I'm lucky it will buy me a bit of time, perhaps 3 months. If I'm unlucky, I have 3 weeks or less.

Hydrea will require that I spend a good deal of time receiving blood transfusions, without bone marrow you don't produce any blood products for yourself.

For those of you not familiar with my thoughts on the situation I find myself in, feel free to read or re-read the document I posted in July of 2011. You can view it here:  link

The tragedy here isn't in my departure, it's the sense of grief and loss that my departure will instill in my wife, sons, and loved ones.  When my father died, six years ago, I sat around for a week exploring my feelings.  At the end of that week I had learned only one bit of wisdom, a single, short, sentence.  It will be alright.  That was it.  It will be alright.  There is no rhyme or reason to the passing of loved ones, it's simply something that will happen if you live long enough.  And the only real comfort to be taken is in knowing that it will be okay.  This is how the process has always worked.  It's okay, everything works out.  Life moves on, we adjust.  As long as you let it.
  
One day it's your turn.  Death is the most powerful reminder to cherish this strange bit of time we call life.  Truly, you should literally remember to stop and smell the roses.  Those you know and love won't be there forever, neither will you.  When the time comes for you or a loved one to pass, don't find yourself full of regret.

I have no personal regrets.  Everyone I love knows that I love them.  My friends know who they are.  My life has been rich and full of every type of emotion and experience one could hope to have, and plenty one might attempt to avoid.  I'm proud of my character, my choices, and who I know myself to be.  I have no enemies.  I harbor no hatred, generically or specifically.  I have friends of many races, both genders, and various sexual orientations.  I judge people by their integrity and little else.  I'm just the type of person I have always wanted to be.  I've lived the life I dreamed of and wanted.  I shared it with the people I loved.  I grew constantly, challenged myself endlessly, and enjoyed life so much more than I disliked it.

Emily has been the best and largest part of my life.  In any scenario I could imagine, and I do like to ponder alternate realities, I would always have wanted to spend as much of my life with her as I could've.  Managing to spend my life with Emily is my greatest achievement.  We've been sharing this life for 19 years.  Our time together contains all of the happiest moments of my life.  I can't imagine a life without her.  She is much more than my other half, she is my whole and everything.  She is my super power.  All the rest of it wouldn't have happened without her.  I am the man that I wanted to be because of her.  She is worth impressing.

I can imagine a better version of me.  But I don't like him.  We aren't supposed to be perfect, perfect is flawed and boring.  The rough edges define our character.  I'm carefully molded, rough edges and all.  Everyone I know is flawed.  I love the flaws, even the annoying flaws.  Humor exists only in flaws.  Humor is a hook to happiness, happiness is my purpose in life; having it and sharing it.  A better version of me wouldn't be happier than this version.  All of my favorite people seem to understand this idea, though none have articulated it.

Well, at this point I'm just dropping Ryan wisdom.  That's about all you'll be getting out of me from this point on.  I'm not even sure I'll ever post again, we shall see.  In the meantime, everyone be happy!  

The picture of the day: I'm smirking and Emily's eyes are closed but check out that dapper look Max is pulling off.  What a handsome little man.  2007 was a fun year.