Too Emotional

I've been physically addicted to Restoril since February.  It's not possible to get a good night of sleep in the hospital without some sort of sleep aid.  Anyhow, this has recently created a conflict.  Restoril is a benzo, Ativan is a benzo.  Ativan is the only thing that can really keep the nausea at bay.  The Restoril was making the Ativan less effective, so I talked with the resident psychiatrist and he had me switch to Trazodone.  Trazodone was originally invented as an anti-depressant.  However, even at a quarter dose it makes most people so sleepy that it does a great job as sleep aid.

I've slept better and the Ativan has been more effective.  A side effect I've noticed, regrettably, is that I'm much more emotional on Trazodone.  It isn't making me feel sad or happy, it's just making it difficult for me to contain the emotions I normally have.  That means lots of weeping, etc.  Weeping isn't good.  It sets my eyes up as a source of infection.

The troubles for the day have been the shameless weeping, hiccups (thanks to steroids), increased fatigue (due to loss of blood product), and an increasingly dry and tender mouth.  I'm still hoping to avoid mucositis.

The good parts of the day involved visiting with Jennifer, who has been going through a painful donor process for me.  I was able to weep unabashedly for her, give her a hug and a kiss, and visit with her awesome supporters and second family, the Porrit's.  I'm still not sure if she has to come do it all again tomorrow.  I hope not.

This morning I managed to shower.  I performed 60 squats, 60 lunges, 5 minutes of hand exercises, bicep and back exercises, and a bit of ab work.  It was a good exercise day.  I paid for it later with exceptional fatigue.

Later I spent an hour and forty five minutes replacing the LCD display on my ridiculous 17 inch gaming laptop.  I like the 1920x1080 matte screen.  It came with a 1600x900 glossy, pooh to that.  Sadly the screen I purchased had a defect.  Today I installed the replacement, it's perfect, not a single dead pixel.  I'm now nearly 4 hours sunk into replacing displays on this laptop.  Meh.  I'm happy now, it's so pretty.

Tim has been here for the past week, continuing to prove himself as my most dedicated supporter and loving friend.  He was a bit late today showing up to the hospital and I'm afraid I wasn't much fun to be around, but that didn't stop me from weeping when he left for the night.  He'll be back tomorrow.  I'll still be on Trazodone, I'm sure his shirt will be drenched in my tears before he heads back to Boston tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow is my new birthday. I will receive Jennifer's stem cells.  Well, they're mine now.  It should be very anti-climactic if all goes well.  Emily and Tim will be here.  I need to get my beauty rest in preparation for the glorious day.

Today has been a good day.  I'm tired, weepy, haven't slept well, and I miss all my peoples.  But everything is going as well as one could hope.

The picture of the day, an updated photo of Scott Ashby, Tim, and myself.  I managed to wear the Hahvahd shirt.  These photos are 16 months apart.  Tim is presently built like a tank.  I couldn't imagine two better friends.  And now I'm weeping again.